My life is a Leglocker Jinx
by Swimmingly Yours
Summary: Chapter 7 up! COMPLETE! Ron's entries into his diary. Ron can write very fast... Involves a flying pig, a violent paperweight, and a port-a-loo. Co-written with edgy wedgy. Ron has to take Snape to the Forbidden Forest. I will say no more.
1. Chapter one

This is my brand new fic. My friends **happy molecule **and **edgy wedgy** have been experimenting with writing in the style of the _My Life is a Wedgie, My Life is a Toilet _and _My Life is a Boob tube _books by Gretel Kileen. See them on **happy molecule's** account. This has parts that **edgy wedgy** wrote in it and they will be in italics. Enjoy.

* I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in. *

_________________________________

9:03 am

Hello, you are my new diary and I am Ron Weasley. Today we rejoice because that stinkbomb Snape is being suspended from the school for a day to stay in the Forbidden Forest because he failed me in Potions on purpose. Serves him right.

9:04. 

Curse Snape. McGonagall just came and told me that I'm to stay with Snape in the Forest today, to 'strengthen our relationship'. NOOOOOOOOOOO!! 

9:04 and a bit.

Silence. Everyone's staring at me 'cause I screamed too loud. 

9:04 and two bits. 

I smiled and waved and continue AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I – DON'T – WANT –

9:04 and three bits.

Argh, argh, ahhh!!!. Argle boogle boo!!!

9:06 and a half.

Sorry, couldn't write properly for a bit there. McGonagall's dragging me out by the ear. She's saying something… can't make it out… if only… Ear… in… pain!!!

9:07.

OOF. McGonagall's just dropped me onto the floor of her office. She's really strong. Hang on – what's that sound?

9:07 and a bit. 

Oh Good Lord! It's Snape, huddled in the corner, and he is CRYING!!!

9:08

Ahhhhh!!! I can't take that noise! Snape is so annoying! Why can't he just stop crying for a minute. What a loud voice he has. 

9:08 and a half. 

Good, McGonagall just hit him over the head with her paperweight. She's checking whether she killed him or not. 

9:09

Oh no/yes! She killed him!!

9:09 and a bit.

Tricked you, hahaha!

9:09 and three bits. 

No, seriously. Snape's just knocked out. Does this mean that we can't go to the Forest? Does this mean that I don't have to spend the whole day with Snape?

9:10. 

No, it just means that I have to carry him there and wait till he wakes up. McGonagall said. No!!

9:10 and a half.

But I simply have no choice. Hey, I'm starting to get a plan. I could leave Snape in the forest, then go away, and after a while, when I get back to him, he'll be so eaten and mangled by the spiders!

9:11 and a bit. 

Oh. McGonagall just told me to stop fantasising about leaving 'Professor' Snape alone to get eaten by spiders. Damn. Aragog deserves to eat something as foul as Snape.

9:13.

Dragging Snape to the Forest. He's so bloody heavy!

9:14.

Hey, there's Hagrid coming! Hagrid, come help me get this slimeball into the forest.

9:14 and a bit. 

Whew, Hagrid decided to carry Snape all by himself – not that Snape's heavy to him or anything. And – I smell the fresh air without my senses blocked by Snape's foul hair smell.

9:15.

Hagrid wants to know how I can still write while walking.

9:16

I told him I don't know.

9:17

Hagrid wants to know how I can still write while dragging Snape along.

9:18

I told him I don't know.

9:19

Hagrid wants to know why my hair is red.

9:20

I don't know.

9:21 

Hagrid wants to know why I don't know anything.

9:21 and a bit.

Argh! Shut up Hagrid!

__

9:30

Ok, I just finished telling Hagrid everything I know, he's looking at me dumbly and saying, "is that all?" what does he mean, 'is that all', I've told him HEAPS. It took 8 and a half minutes for crying out loud!

9:31.

Now Hagrid's telling me what HE knows. This should be quick.

9:35

Still listening.

9:40.

Still listening

9:55.

Still listening. *yawn*

11:30

I wonder how birds drink, they don't have lips. Oh, gee, will Hagrid ever stop?

11:36.

I just yelled out, "shut up Hagrid" and I got no reply.

11:36 and a bit.

Hang on, my eyes are closed. WERE closed.

11:36 and two bits.

HANG ON, HAGRID'S GONE!

11:37

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

11:37 and a bit more.

SNAPE IS AWAKE!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

11:38

Nope, he's just sleepwalking.

11:38 and a half.

11:40.

Sorry, couldn't write for a while there, I thought I saw Snape stir so I went to give him a good kick. He's stopped moving.

11:44.

I have no idea what to do. Hagrid's gone, I'm in the forest, Snape is unconscious. I'M BORED!

________________________________

liked that? Oh well. There will be more, keep a lookout.


	2. Chapter two

G'day mates. Here is a second installment… and this time it includes a part that **happy molecule **wrote. It will be in **bold**. And let's continue on with the story!

****

Just a note: when I call this co-written, it means that no-one consulted me about what to write when they started. Just took it and started writing…. Literally.

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in. *

______________________________

****

Chapter two

11:45

Oh look, there's some rocks.

11:46

Oh look, there's some rocks.

11:47

Oh look, there's some rocks.

11:48

Argh! Get me out of here!

11:49

"Somebody get me out of here!"

11:50

Oh. Snape just woke up and told me to quit that infernal racket.

11:51

I called him a slimy turd.

11:52

He said he's not a turd, he's a git, and anyway turds are not slimy, they're rough.

11:53 

Snape realised that he just insulted himself and started howling. Ah! NO! the sound is horrible!

11:53 and a bit.

I kicked him in the butt and now he's crying again. What a baby.

11:54

I called him a baby.

11:55

Still crying.

11:56

I called him a turd.

11:57

Still crying.

11:58

I threatened to jinx him.

11:59

Still crying.

12:00

I threatened to leave him there (right on noon)

12:01

Great Lords he stopped! I am saved from the hideous noise!

12:01 and a bit.

Oh no, he's grabbing me by my ankles and pleading me not to leave him there.

12:02

Oh God. SNAPE is begging me and not even giving me detention. I have to note this day and time down forever in here.

12:02 and a bit.

Wait – I already have.

12:03

I told Snape to stop pleading. 

12:04

Still pleading.

12:05

I told Snape to stop pleading again.

12:06

Still pleading.

12:07

I told Snape to stop pleading AGAIN!!!

12:08

Still – "Argh! Stop that you, I'm going

12:08 and a bit.

Ergh! Snape's got his hands around my neck and is threatening to strangle me if I go without him. this is Severus Snape the slimeball we're talking about here, whose favourite student is Draco Malfoy!

12:09

I just told Snape that I won't go without him if he stops crying and pleading and that even birds without lips are better than him.

12:10

Utterly insulted but scared that I'll go without him, Snape agreed. Okay, for the first time ever, I HAVE POWER OVER SNAPE!!!

12:11

Damn it! Snape said that he's only go if I hold his hand, as if we're gay! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!

12:12

I told him I'd go without him.

12:13 

He told me that he'd strangle me and cry.

12:14

I give up.

12:16.

Fine. So I'm walking in the Forest with SNAPE holding my hand. What sort of world is this?

12:17

Argh! Spiders!

12:18

Argh! Hagrid's Skrewt!

12:19

Argh! Snape's hugging me! Eeeeeeeeew!

12:19 and a bit.

Oh, he saw worms.

12:19 and 2 bits.

Argh! Worms!

****

12:20

Now Snape says he's hungry. Does this guy ever shut up?

12:21

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!!!!! He's eating the worms. Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick.

12:22

*vomiting noises.*

12:28

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!!!!!! Snape just ate the vomit as well!

12:29

And worse, he's holding my hand again and he used that hand to eat the vomit. This is, what, the worst day ever.

12:30

Now Snape wants to go to the toilet. You can work out why for yourself. Great, how are we supposed to find a toilet in this Forest?

12:31

And would I still have to hold his hand when he does this business? Ah, I can't take this, I'm going to yell.

12:32

"I CAN'T TAKE THIS!"

12:33

Snape just looked at me dumbly and insisted that he needed to go to the loo. What have I done to deserve this?

12:37

OK, so we found a port-a-loo. I mean, _I_ found a port-a-loo. Snape just held my hand, shaking as if he couldn't hold the piss in.

12:38

Waiting for Snape to get out. Still holding his hand through the half-closed door.

12:39

Waiting.

12:40

Waiting.

12:50

Waiting. I wonder what's Harry doing now?

12:51

What's he DOING in there?

12:52

"Snape! Hello!"

12:53

No answer

12:54

What if he died in there?

12:55

Not that I'd be unhappy, but still.

12:56

OMG, I'm holding a dead person's hand. MUST LET GO…

12:57

Can't let go of Snape's hand. Nooooooo…

12:58

Okay, maybe he isn't dead. Just – fainted somehow. But what the HELL am I supposed to do?

12:59

It's very blurry.

13:00

Wait – I'm getting sleepy… closing eyes…

(A/N: okay, this is still me but Snape's going to write now so I'll use underlined words. Cya in a bit…)

13:10

Hello, I am Severus Snape. I am writing in stupid Weasley's diary. I don't know why.

13:11

Hey, Weasley's asleep… I could take his money and run away!

13:12

Damn, Weasley's too poor to carry around any money… All he has in his pockets are Chocolate Frogs. Oh well, better than nothing. I'll leave Weasley and take his Chocolate frogs.

13:13

I mean, I'll take Weasley's Chocolate Frogs and leave him here.

15:00

What?

15:01

Oh, I slept for 2 hours.

15:02

TWO HOURS?! Getting up. How –

15:02 and a bit.

Ouch! I bumped my head on the port-a-loo door. It's wide open. 

15:03 

Wait a minute… Why is it wide open? And –

15:03 and a bit.

SNAPE'S GONE!!!

15:04

And he's taken all my Chocolate Frogs. No!!!!

___________________________ 

a longer 2nd chapter… can you believe that that was 6 pages on MS Word? Wow. Anyway, hope you enjoyed that. And those who like **edge wedgy**'s writing, there will be more of that coming very soon…


	3. Cahpter three along comes Crookshanks th...

Here we go again… Sorry I took so long, I've actually finished the story, it's just that I procrastinated and did not update… Don't sue…

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in.*

(By the way, I am female and **edgy wedgy** does also have an account. His bits are in _italics_.)

______________________________

15:05

The good thing about yelling in a forest is that there is no one to be louder and out-yell me. Nooooo!!!!!!

15:06.

What's that awful noise?

15:07

Somebody save me, it's Harry Potter singing! And it's getting closer and louder!

15:08.

Cover ears – must – not – listen –

15:09.

It's almost unbearable now. I'm dying! It's horrible…

15:10.

I've lost senses. Where am I?

15:11.

Wait – the sound's stopped and I'm lying next to the port-a-loo. What happened to Harry's singing? I like cheese.

15:12

Someone's calling me.

15:12 and a bit.

Oh, it's Harry. What's he doing here?

15:13.

He says he came after me to get some of my chocolate frogs.

15:14.

Well, that's useless, Snape's got all of them.

15:15.

And so Harry's determined. He's going after Snape to get my chocolate frogs. Well, I certainly ain't going to look for Snape.

15:16.

But Harry says he won't give me any Frogs if I don't go along.

15:17.

I reminded him that they're MY Frogs anyway.

15:18

Harry said 'Finders Keepers'. Oh, why is this world filled with people who drive such hard bargains?

15:19

Still arguing. I called Harry a poo-brain.

15:20.

Harry called me a poo-brain.

15:20 and a half.

I said that MY word, so don't copy.

15:21

Hermione told us to grow up.

15:22

Hermione's sheep said 'baa'.

15:23.

Hang on – Hermion's here? And where did she get a sheep from?

15:24.

Oh, apparently the sheep is just Crookshanks but Hermione wanted to show off her cleverness so she transfigured him into a sheep.

15:24 and a bit.

Well, I dunno if she's notice but Crookshanks the sheep only has three legs and he looks very retarded.

15:24 and more bits. 

And I thought Hermione's a genius. Hah! But I'm glad she's here… She'd know that it's a bad idea to go chasing after Snape.

15:25.

Err… maybe not. She says she would do anything Harry does.

15:26.

And she says I'd better come otherwise she'd never let me copy her homework again.

15:27.

I said she'd never let me copy her homework before anyway.

15:28.

Ow! Crookshanks the sheep kicked my butt and because he was only on two legs, he fell over.

__

15:29.

I just removed the sheep's remaining legs with a leg-removal spell.

15:29 and 6 seconds.

Hermione just kicked me and put on FOUR legs. I shall remove them once more.

15:30.

Damn, Hermione added another 6 legs and put a mute spell on me. I've lost my voice.

15:31.

And she's yelling at me and I can't even yell back.

________________________________

Sorry, that was a tad short, I do apologise, but the most exciting bits come in next time… more **edgy wedgy** is along the way, a bit of romance, a bit of slash…


	4. Chapter four Hermione!

Hello all again… new installment!

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in. And **edgy wedgy** owns all elements of slash in this story.*

(**edgy wedgy**'s bits are in _italics_… There are a lot of them this time.)

____________________________

**Chapter four**

_15:32._

_I'm using special boys' wink language to tell Hermione to shut up._

_15:32 and 30 secs._

_Harry looks confused._

_15:33_

_I made it clearer, putting emphasis on the twitch._

_15:33 and a bit._

_Harry is nodding but looking doubtful. So I'm nodding back with an enthusiastic face._

_15:34._

_Harry's just cleared his throat and said, "Hermione, if you don't shut up, I shan't marry you." WHAT?!_

_15:35_

_I'm shaking my head vigorously. Sadly, Harry thinks I'm congratulating him. GOSH!!!_

15:36

But it didn't shut Hermione up. She just said, "If you won't marry me I'll just marry Ron".

15:36 and some bits.

I don't want to marry Hermione!

_15:37._

_Hermione is now DETERMINED to marry me! _

_15:37 and 2/3 _

_She's just said, "I've always liked Ron, he's so hot." She's gotta be kidding._

_15:38._

_Oh man, stop the embarrassment! She's telling us all about her feelings. This isn't a sex talk Hermione!_

_15:38 and a bit. _

_Ew, ew, ew. Her-mi-o-ne! how could you? That's disgusting! *_

_15:38 and two bits. _

_Gosh, shut up already! Now she's saying she likes me because all the girls say I'm a good kisser. WHAT?!_

_15:38 and 4 bits._

_Now she's saying she'll only marry a man who's touch is gentle and lips are sweet. Help…_

_15:39._

_I'm winking at Harry again to tell him to shut him up, with a SPELL this time. _

_15:39:30_

_He's nodding and winking back._

_15:39:41_

_I'm grinning and winking back._

_15:40._

_Oh no! Hermione just saw me grinning and winking at Harry. Now she thinks we're gay!_

_15:41_

_Hey, that's not so bad, if I'm everything she doesn't want, maybe she'll LEAVE ME ALONE!!! She's SO annoying!!!_

15:41 and a bit.

I mean, I'd do the counter-mute spell on myself but I CAN'T SAY THE WORDS!!!

15:42

Hermione's pissed. She reckons that if we're gay then we should've told her earlier. BUT WE'RE NOT!

_15:43_

_I'm winking at Harry to tell her that we're not gay._

_15:43 and more._

_Harry's looking at me dreamily and saying, "I love you too Ron…" GROSS!_

_15:44_

_Dammit! I am NOT gay. NOT gay._

_More 15:44_

_I AIN'T GAY!!!_

_Again 15:44_

_Help…_

_15:45_

_Ok, now I've devised a clever plan, a high risk one, but if it works, I may have a chance of living a full and proper life away from Harry and Hermione who've suddenly gone weird. The thing is, I can't remember the plan._

_15:46_

_Ok, I've thought of another plan. I shall, um, no, actually too gross._

_15:46 and a half._

_Hermione and Harry are arguing over my custody. She says she's a girl therefore she has rights to me. He says we've always been an item. _

_Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I WILL kiss Hermione… _

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And a nice little cliffie-ish thing to finish off this installment… as I said earlier, **edgy wedgy** owns all elements of slash… I, er, just, uh, played along…

*** (from the '*' in the story) a dedication of a chapter goes to the person who comes up with the best idea of what Hermione was talking about… Don't make it too disturbing.**

Thanks to reviewers: **edgy wedgy** (well it's his story too), **Olean-Radcliffe, ****PrincessEilonwy, SKYLER cooper, Damsel In Distress, Beatrice1, Gyakutenno Megami1, Paladin Dragoon ** and ** happy molecule,** whose review had nothing to do with the story.HarrHardlrkgjs/lgkjsd.ffsddfgk


	5. Chapter five A new 'companion' comes alo...

Sorry for the long wait! Joren came to Sydney! Hah, I wish. But Tamora Pierce is coming to Sydney! I think she's launching her new book. Well, it was as bad as _Squire_ and _Lady Knight_, *ahem*. Here's the next bit… hehehehe…

*We don't own the characters. We own the depressing plot we put them in.*

**This chapter is dedicated to **PrincessEilonwy** who answered my challenge last chapter brilliantly.******

**edgy wedgy** is _italics_

________________________________

**The Fifth Bit**

_15:47_

_Ok, just taking a moment to prepare myself. Oh, gosh, I don't think I can._

_15:48_

_I did it! I full on kissed Hermione and I think I broke her neck from groping too hard._

_15:49_

_Harry is slapping me and saying I'm a two-timer. Hermione is saying I'm way too rough for her. They're both leaving. Hooray!_

_15:50_

_I'm just enjoying a little bit of peace and quiet by myself. _

_16:00_

_Bored._

_16:01_

_OMG, a werewolf is heading towards me. Must cast a spell on it._

_16:01 and 2 seconds_

_OMG, I'm still muted!_

_16:01 and 4 seconds._

_OMG, the werewolf is advancing!_

_16:01 and 6 seconds._

_Phew, I've found a nice little ditch at the root of a tree. Hiding._

_16:02_

_OMG, the werewolf is advancing on the ditch!_

_16:02 and more._

_Closer_

_Closer_

_Closer_

_Closer_

_Closer_

_Closer_

_And what on EARTH? The werewolf just turned into CRABBE._

_16:03_

_Yuk! I'm in a tiny hole, squashed next to Vincent Crabbe. Help me…_

16:04

And he's so slow he seems to think I'm a tree stump. A tree stump with red hair? Come on.

16:04 and a bit.

Great. I held Snape's vomit-covered hand, kissed Hermione and now I'm being hugged by Crabbe. I wouldn't be surprised if Malfoy came up now and started doing ballet.

16:04 and more bits.

OMG, Malfoy just jumped out from behind a tree, wearing a tutu and started doing ballet! I never knew he did ballet!

16:05

He's good, though. He does spin-jumps.

16:06

He's REALLY good. Wow.

16:07

He's finished his routine. I would've yelled out 'encore' but I'm STILL mute.

16:07:30

He's surprised to see me here and wants to know why I'm here.

16:08

Trying to mime to him.

16:08 and 3 seconds.

Not working, he's confused.

16:08:30

Okay, I'll have to write in here and show it to him. Sorry, diary.

Hello, Malfoy. I came here with Snape. Have you seen him?

16:09

He says he hasn't, but he's very concerned for the slime-ball's welfare.

Grow up, Malfoy, if he's hungry, he'll find some worms or he'll eat my chocolate frogs, and if he needs to urinate he'll come back to that port-a-loo.

16:10

Malfoy's excited now because there's a port-a-loo and he needs to go. Also, he says that he'll wait there 'till Snape comes back.

Whatever, Malfoy, I'm going.

16:11

But Malfoy said if I don't wait with him he'll go back to school and tell everyone how much I love him. Why does everyone think I'm gay today?

Look, Malfoy, no-one will believe you.

16:12

But Malfoy thinks they will. Hey… I have an idea…

Malfoy, I'll stay with you if you un-mute me…

_____________________________

I guess this will be finished in another 2 or 3 chapters. Can you believe that on paper, it's 36 pages? It took us about a week and a half! I'm going to miss this story…


	6. Chapter six green blood, life story and ...

Hello, all, same as usual. **Edgy wedgy** is _italics_ as usual

*we don¡¯t own the characters, we own the depressing story we put them in.*

_____________________________________________

Chapter six 

16:13

He¡¯s thinking about it.

16:14

Still thinking

16:15

Still thinking. Gosh, that¡¯s there to think about?

Malfoy! Hurry up or I¡¯m going!

16:16

Finally. He agreed. Taking out his wand¡­

16:16 and a bit.

Argh! My nose is growing longer!

Malfoy, stop that!

16:17

Whew, my nose is back to normal again. He used the wrong spell.

16:17 and 4 seconds. 

Ok, now he¡¯s using the right one.

16:17 and 6 seconds.

¡°I can speak again!!!¡±

16:18.

Malfoy told me to shut up and wait with him.

16:19.

Dumdeedum.

16:20

Doodeedoo.

16:21

Still waiting.

16:22

Is Snape EVER going to come? I¡¯ve been waiting, what, 3 minutes already!

16:23

Malfoy started telling me about his life.

16:24

Apparently he loves Chocolate Frogs, Snape, Potions, Snape, licorice wands, Snape, Chocolate Frogs, Snape¡­

16:25

Licorice Wands, Snape.

16:26

Potions, Snape.

16:27

Chocolate Frogs, Snape, Potions, Snape.

16:28

He¡¯s got a boring life. I told him to shut up, but his devotion to Snape is so¡­

16:29

Sweet¡­

16:30

But no, hang on, that was an earlier stage of his life. Now he loves, Chocolate Frogs, me, Potions (¡®Cause he gets to see me), me, Licorice wands

16:30:30

OMG! Did he just say he loves me?

16:31

Ahh! I just pushed Malfoy away and now he¡¯s crying. Oh no¡­

16:31 and a bit.

Now he¡¯s just stopped suddenly.

16:31 and a bit more.

Now he¡¯s smiling. What on Earth?

16:32

APPARENTLY, he was just fake crying. Yeah, and pigs can fly.

16:33

Ahh! And this pig with wings just flew down next to me! OMG!

16:34

The flying pig is really fat. Haha.

16:35

It¡¯s very poke-able. Heeheehee! Look at that blubber wobble!

16:36

I¡¯m having fun!

16:37

But hey, did that pig just fall? How?

16:37 and a bit.

There¡¯s blood coming out of it!

16:37 and a bit more

OMG! It¡¯s dead!

16:37 and a few bits.

And the culprit is standing there with a bloody knife. Malfoy.

16:38

HE KILLED MY PIG!!!

16:38 and some more.

I asked him why he did it and he said that he was jealous because I liked the pig more than I like him. Well THAT¡¯S a bit obvious!

_16:39_

_Malfoy loves me? Nooo!_

_16:45_

_Sorry, just had to recover from shock. I¡¯m going to ask Malfoy if this is really true._

_16:46_

_Asked him. He says it is. I think I¡¯m going to faint._

_17:30_

_Phew, what a stink! I¡¯ve just come round. My Gosh¡­ What is that?!_

_17:31_

_The pig¡¯s bum! Ahh! Get it off!_

_17:32_

_¡°Honestly, Malfoy!¡± He stuck the pig in my face because he thought it¡¯d keep me warm! I mean, of all places, the bum!_

_17:33_

_I just asked him what happened. He said I fainted and he didn¡¯t want to disturb my dreams SO HE STUCK A PIG¡¯S BUM IN MY FACE!!! Ew!_

_You are so smart Malfoy._

_17:35_

_I¡¯ve decided not to speak to Malfoy. His ignorance is beyond me._

_17:36_

_Malfoy doesn¡¯t seem to care. He¡¯s ginning at me dopely._

_17:37_

_Ahh! Make it stop!!_

_17:40_

_Now he¡¯s all gooey. My word! What is that green stuff coming out of his mouth?_

_17:40 and 5 seconds._

_Apparently it¡¯s blood. Green blood._

_17:40 and 10 seconds._

_Ew! He¡¯s bleeding!_

_17:50. _

_OMG! Malfoy¡¯s bleeding from the mouth too! And he¡¯s still grinning dopely. _

_17:51._

_I just asked Malfoy why¡¯ he¡¯s bleeding and how to fix it up. He says it happens when he¡¯s turned on and it can only be stopped after he¡¯s tired out from doing certain¡­ er¡­ activities. Or if he gets turned off._

_17:51 and a bit._

_I think I¡¯ll choose the second option._

_17:52._

_I¡¯m talking about Hermione. Hopefully this will work because as far as I know, Hermione is the most boring thing in the world._

_17:59_

_Good Grief! I¡¯ve been talking for like ten minutes and so far he hasn¡¯t shown any sign of decreased blood loss._

_In fact, I think ht¡¯s enjoying it._

_Make the man stop¡­_

_18:02_

_Malfoy¡¯s still looking all gooey. I must escape. _

________________________________________________

Thank you for your time. I am most grateful.


	7. Chapter seven The laaaaaaaaaast bit with...

You can sue - I don't really care because I think that his ending is not really a good one either. Most of it came from **happy molecule **(my 'wonderful' son), whom this chapter is dedicated to.

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in.*

________________________________________

Chapter seven: the laaaaaaaaaaaast bit with a tragic ending.

_18:03_

_Ok, I've thought of the most fantastic plan. I'll kick Malfoy in the head and run away. I don't care if he tells the whole school I love him, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!!!_

_18:04_

_Ok, the plan is about to start. Waiting for the right moment._

_By the way, diary, I just thought you might like to know that ever since I started Hogw_

Well well well, if it isn't Ron's little secrets. All his behaviour problems, his weaknesses, his lies and his plan for betrayal. How nice it is to see that my dear was planning to kick me in the head! Such a shame. I think I'll just kick you in the head!

There we go. All good. I think I'll just take this 'precious' diary and put it i 

_Hey dudes. Cool message board. Better than the one I started at www.boards.com._

_By the way, the name's Perry. Who's Hermione? She sounds like a cool chick. Bet she's a babe. Sorry I kicked you out cold, you blond, uh, whatever your name is. The branch broke and I couldn't hang on to the tree. Hope you're alright._

_Cya dudes._

_3am_

_OH MY GOD. OH MY GAWD!!! It's 3am and I'm STILL in the forest. Ow, my eye._

_3:01 _

_That stupid Malfoy, he stole my diary (you) and kicked me in the face._

_3:02_

_YOU TOLD HIM! How could you? You told Malfoy the plan and now e wrecked it! Argh!_

_3:03_

_Oh, hey, look, a guy called Perry knocked out Malfoy. Now there's a guy I wouldn't mind dating._

3:04

OMG, did I just write that? Am I turning gay? Nooo!!!

3:04 and a bit.

Hey, Malfoy's unconscious there… his butt is pretty hot. I wonder what Perry looks like?

_I'm so bored, I'm so bored. Hmm… Hermione's so great, when she's not being herself that is. So in other words, SHE'S A TOTAL NIGHTMARE._

_Blah blah blah._

_Man I wish I was playing Quidditch._

3:06

Hey, there's someone coming…

3:06 and a bit.

It's Snape!!!

3:06 and another bit

It's hard to see… OMG, he's wearing a pink dress!

3:07

Argh! No! It's too bright! The colour, the colour. I'M BLIND!!!

3:07 and a bit.

It's all Snape's fault. (sorry if my writing is messy. I can't see, after all.)

3:08

Snape saw the unconscious Malfoy and is now moaning over him. I have decided. Snape hasn't seen me yet - I don't think - I will run back to the castle and seek treatment for my eyes.

3:08 and a bit.

I hope you can understand my writing, diary. I'm not blind AND running away. Haha, I'm so wonderful.

3:09

Running.

3:10

Running.

3:11

Running.

3:12

OOF! My feet are stuck in something and I can't pull them out. No…

3:13

Is it just me or an I sinking?

3:14 OMG, I am sinking I'm up to my knees in something wet.

3:15

Well there's no hope of getting out now. Goodbye diary, at least you are with me when I reached my fate - sinking in mud.

3:16

Wait - I'm up to my elbows and it may not actually be mud. I think it's

3:16 and a sec.

VOMIT!!!

THE END

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Any feedback? Did I mess it all up? Any ideas for a sequel if you're not too mad at me?


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